Madness to the method
Europe reeling from its forthcoming scrambling.
Fresh off a hasty gathering of European leaders celebrating Donald Trump’s permission to set off a new arms race — France has brought enough nukes to share with the whole class, c'est gentil! — European leaders have hastily announced their intention to convene another meeting to fret about Donald Trump’s inevitable about-face, which will undoubtedly zap heretofore commitment to said new arms race.
“We know it’s coming,” a European official told The Bupkes glumly. “If he can turn Ukraine aid off and on again just like that, just think what he can do to us.”
The official, who was not authorized to speak on the subject, explained that the last time Europe dreaded a hug this much from an old man and distant relative it was from the backseat of the Renault on the drive down to Liechtenstein for Christmas. No amount of presents could distract from the trepidation of confronting Uncle Leopold and those clammy paws of his, eager to pull you in close for a smothering dose of his trademark mustiness reminiscent of home aquarium fish food.
Europe shuddered as the memory flittered by.
“Trump being mean has united Europe like no financial crisis ever could,” the official added. “Frankly, if Obama hadn’t been so goddamn nice to us, austerity never would have happened.”
A draft proposal, viewed by The Bupkes and verified by three officials familiar with the matter, has been prepared by the European Commission to prepare for the looming Trump-180. It reflects an increased sense of urgency, recognizing that this kind of unwanted embrace can come out of nowhere and happen at any time.
The document, dubbed ReAct Europe, calls on European officials to start reeling now, rather than waiting to scramble later.
“While the US administration’s hostility has been clear from the beginning, its ability to shapeshift into stalwart supporter poses a unique threat to European strategic interests,” the document read. “We cannot afford to sit on the sidelines of our own panic.”
The proposal, to be debated and voted on at the upcoming Council meeting, seeks to reconnect European powers with their long history of arms buildups and knack for fighting each other with them, which has traditionally needed little nudging from the US.
Calling the European “peace project” largely “out of step with time, space, and nature,” the plan reveals just how much investment is going into sustaining the reverse momentum. Yet many officials, confronted with the unfortunate prospect of unpredictably regaining its longstanding reliable transatlantic ally, have expressed pessimism about those chances.
“How else are we going to do what we’ve always said we wanted to do if the US works against what it’s said it wants us to do because it doesn’t actually want us to do it?” a Commission official, who requested anonymity after consuming an abundance of bar snacks, told The Bupkes.
Despite the lack of consensus about the backwards way forward, suspicions are growing that Trump, the premier showman, and his Ukrainian counterpart, a former actor, may have pulled off an award-winning performance of high-stakes “great television” for an exclusively European audience.
“Was this just a PsyOp?” the official, looking longingly at the near-empty dish of fried corn kernels and coated peanuts, asked no one listening. “If it was, I think I’m kinda OK with it.”