A Font of Greatness

If diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell, choose your typeface wisely.

The United States Secretary of State, who is also the actor who plays the Archivist of the United States and the president’s National Security Advisor, has directed those under him in his day job to, effective immediately, conduct all official business in Times New Roman.

This reverses his predecessor’s liberal choice of Calibri, which was adopted on inclusivity and accessibility grounds.

If that’s not enough of an attack on this front in the war on woke, font size was also downgraded from 15-point to 14-point. It’s a surprising move for an administration that strives to make everything huge.

It came as some relief to learn that Secretaries of State, when they’re not approving weapons shipments to Israel and then lying about it, spend work hours sifting through font swatches. For a moment there, we were concerned that the State Department actually thought it mattered.

The last time US diplomats were instructed to do an about-face on typeface was less than a year after Mission Accomplished in Iraq, so it’s not like they had anything better to do.

It is unlikely we’ve heard the end of Serifgate. That’s why, to assist any other State Department decision-making over matters of such grave national importance, The Bupkes has compiled a list of common Microsoft fonts and suggested contexts for their use.

If only that ballot had been printed in a better font, the world would be a whole lot different.

Times New Roman: For when Fraktur isn’t available, and Western civilization needs a reminder where it came from.

Calibri: For when it’s easier to adopt an inclusive font than a policy that isn’t complicit in killing the kinds of marginalized groups your inclusivity performs to include.

Baskerville Old Face: For applying twice daily by massaging gently into the skin.

Arabic Transparent: For deportation notices.

Arabic Typesetting: For domestic labor shortages.

Braggadocio: For New Jersey cliches.

Copperplate Gothic: For Batmobile vanity plates.

Modern Love: For cancelling your New York Times subscription.

American Uncial: For when the liberal world order goes medieval.

Courier New: For clackclackclackclackclack. Until 2004.

Gill Sans MT Condensed: For letters accompanying your “Dennis the Menace” cartoon submissions.

Gloucester: For mispronunciations.

Grotesque: For Epstein emails.

Eurostile: For chastising your transatlantic allies.

Playbill: For bragging to all your friends about the half-price tickets you got for Hamilton.

Impact: For when writing from small spaces.

Wide Latin: For remembering the good ol’ days of air travel.

Vladimir Script: For presenting multi-point “peace” plans.

Verdana: For cases of the Mondays.

Stencil: For Supreme Court opinions.

Comic Sans MS: For all official government correspondence.

Wingdings: For all official government correspondence on 4chan.

Now it’s your turn! What fonts would you recommend and why? Subscribe now to leave a comment to let us know — or share some Bupkes with a friend or enemy.