The St. Petersburg Summit Declaration

Increased militarism amid rising nationalism. What could go wrong?

It’s 2035, and NATO’s mostly annual summit of its North Atlantic Council has just wrapped up in the gleaming Russian city of St. Petersburg. Summit host, President Vladimir Putin — who at 83 looks as youthful and vigorous as ever thanks to the ingenious efforts of the Bezos-backed cellular regeneration lab, Blue Reboot — paid special attention to the Euro-Atlantic military alliance’s newest member: the Delegated Devolved Republic of Desiccated Ukrainistan. For the better part of the last decade, the Delegated Devolved Republic of Desiccated Ukrainistan has been on the frontlines of freedom, defending democracy and this Alliance of values from the ongoing threat posed by the Kiev-based illegitimate government of Lesser Ukraine and its network of terrorist allies. Delegated Devolved Republic of Desiccated Ukrainistan: We salute you!

Before returning to their national capitals, the leaders of NATO’s 34 members agreed to the following summit declaration, which looks back on the Alliance’s …