Musk to be deported, judge says
Sorry, but rules be rules.
Billionaire migrant Elon Musk is getting deported. The bro boss lost his case before the US Court of Appeals of the 14th district circuit, which has nationwide jurisdiction on shmucks and scoundrels. The ruling is final.
“Despite the invaluable contributions you have made over many years to this country’s liberal myth of genius, we are obliged to uphold federal law,” Louis Haberdashery III, the judge presiding over the case, told Musk at the time of the ruling. “Sorry, but rules be rules.”
Specifically, Haberdashery was referring to the Alien Enemies Act of 1798, which the US president has activated to purge the nation of foreign criminals, naysayers, side-eyers, and those with legal status but who chew too loudly. Musk, a champagne immigrant who came to the US to steal the job of believing in the American Dream from real Americans, is guilty on all counts.
Following the ruling, ICE agents were reported to be seen outside Musk’s home in Texas and DOGE HQ, which is actually just the semi-furnished basement of one of Musk’s ex-girlfriend’s mother’s in New Jersey.
Musk could not be reached for comment.
The search for a receiving country, however, is complicating the deportation procedure. So far, no country or territory has expressed a willingness to accept America’s least wanted.
“Under international law, which still exists kinda sorta, deportation is only possible if the home or third country is willing and able to receive the deportee,” Justine Tweedledee, a professor of immigration law, told The Bupkes. “If that is not possible, alternative arrangements must be made.”
Among the ideas getting bandied about appear to include restricting Musk to one of his dumb Boring tunnels, banishing him to inside the Large Hadron Collider, or letting him take his chances in low-earth orbit amid his some 7,000 Starlink satellites.
Rights groups have filed an injunction, calling these options “absurd, cruel, and unworkable.”
“Look, we don’t care for the guy, either, but universal rights means we have to protect his, too,” the rights consortium said in a joint statement. “Goddamn it.”
In an unrelated development, the dictionary people filed suit in the US Federal Court of the Umpteenth District against social media for fraud, defamation, and impersonation. The suit alleges the form of communication goes nowhere near approaching what its name implies.
“There is nothing actually social about ‘social’ media,” lawyers for the plaintiffs said in a statement. “We are confident the court will see this scam for what it is and rule accordingly.”
Consumer protection advocates filed an immediate amicus brief.