An E-Day message from the Supreme Allied Commander

You are about to embark on the Great Crusade ...

As you fill up on your final meal before you line up to crowd into the ballot boats that will steer you to the landing beaches of electoral destiny, your Supreme Allied Commander wishes to instill some parting thoughts and encouragement on the brave voters who will battle rough seas, nauseous stomachs, and a hellacious litany of rapid-fire sound bites to fight and defend the cause of freedom and democracy.

Godspeed.

Soldiers, Sailors, and Airpeople of the Electoral Expeditionary Force!

You are about to embark upon the Great Crusade, toward which we have striven these many months. The eyes of the world are upon you. The hope and prayers of liberty-loving people everywhere march with you. In company with our brave Allies and people-in-arms on other Fronts, you will bring about the preservation of the status quo, or the elimination of radical tyranny over the oppressed peoples of America but, either way, security for the oligarchic guarantors of our free world.

Your task will not be an easy …