ConWatch: Week 1,806
Does Germany have a constitution yet?
As we know, it is only a matter of time before AI takes all of our jobs. Because nothing says human advancement like giving people more reason to feel like bigger piles of useless garbage than they already do. Since expressions of citizen participation in a thinking democracy peaked in the early aughts, as soon as Amazon perfects its drones’ ability to order from themselves, there will be nothing left to do but wonder why bother to keep existing at all.
Fortunately, AI won’t just take jobs we want but also jobs we don’t want. Like promoting the wonders of Germany, for instance, and having to travel around the country for it. The Bupkes knows this to be a fact because, in a pre-Germany lifetime ago, The Bupkes participated in an extracurricular business competition that assigned groups a mock consultancy gig to advise the German tourism board on promoting tourism in Germany.
Concluding this effort was futile, everyone promptly dropped out.
Some two decades later, the German tourism board seems to have admitted defeat and come up with Emma, an AI-generated tourism “influencer.” Presenting as a young, white, thin, blonde fembot, Emma does a poor job replicating mortal Germans but a spectacular one at reflecting who the Teutonic Imaginary imagines mortal Germans to be — complete with the unoffensive plasticity that is its modus operandi.
Emma alleviates us of the burden of having to imagine what Leni Riefenstahl would have done with AI. Some people are just born at the wrong time.
With Emma, you can explore all that Germany has to offer. There she is, digging into a döner at Germany’s first dönerladen — the country’s greatest cultural contribution since the printing press, even if it is just a slightly differently spiced shawarma that Turkish immigrants brought with them.
Look, over there; Emma is splish-splashing in the Müritzsee, famous for being Germany’s largest interior lake. Fascinating! And here — ride along with Emma on Germany’s renowned Deutsche Bahn to enjoy hours of delays for reasons as diverse as “missing personnel,” “wild boar fucking,” “because we are delayed,” and the ever-mysterious “police action.”
It’s Oktoberfest already? Emma is there, too! And to ensure she has the most authentic Oktoberfest experience possible, AI-avatar Theresienwiese-goer, Sven, is there with her to spill a Maß-worth of beer on her Zara-like coat, vomit on her tennis shoes, and drunkenly grope her under the table.
Truly, what better way to experience Germany than through the lifeless, soulless eyes of a data center-powered computation that so deeply embodies the German tourism board’s least inspired motto ever:
That’s why we were sad to miss Emma’s presence this week at one of Germany’s best and most beloved traditions: the Großer Zapfenstreich. She would have fit right in, too, seeing that this nocturnal chancellor sendoff was for none other than Olaf Scholz — an early prototype in person-like AI development.
The Großer Zapfenstreich, which in no way resembles an Indiana Jones-Producers-Nazi agitprop mashup, is a chancellor’s last opportunity to exercise the mighty power of the office. Namely, that means forcing the German army marching band to figure out how to play music never intended for an army marching band. So if you ever wanted to hear what Aretha Franklin sounds like on a sousaphone, this is your moment.
The barely one-term head of government is now back to only serving as the proud representative of the good people of Wahlkreis 061: Potsdam – Potsdam-Mittelmark II – Teltow-Fläming II in Brandenburg, which let’s be honest, is probably more his speed. As an MP, Scholz got to vote the next day for his replacement — not yet AI, but something almost as good: Friedrich Merz.
Impressively, Merz made history before he was even sworn in, becoming the first chancellor candidate ever to need a second round of voting to get over the final and heretofore mere formality of a hurdle to the chancellery. This just goes to show that while Merkel was adept at overcoming low bars and Scholz elicited the inspiration of a malfunctioning fax machine, Merz is really fucking loathed.
But it’s Merz, finally with an office not opposite the Bundestag toilets, who gets the last laugh. He has the honor of running Germany’s fourth coalition with the Social Democrats in 20 years, and the last one before the AfD’s first. It took a few extra hours this week for him to get there, but it will take a lot longer for Germany to get a constitution.
Very tasty writing, as ever!