In light of the German election, which follows the Western democratic tradition of liberal political elites saying “fuck you” to voters, voters saying “no, fuck you” to liberal political elites, and both tending to result in the most vulnerable among us getting fucked, The Bupkes sees the urgent need to found a new party.
We hereby breathe life into the Sauna party.
The Sauna party has just one policy position: Everyone has the right to — nay, the desperate need for — a good, long shvitz.
Because in the sauna, there are no politics. There are no genders. There is no culture war. There is no hierarchy or patriarchy; there is barely even anthroparchy. In the sauna, you are not in control. You do not dictate terms. You are in no position to expound the mythological greatness of your perceived civilization and the supposed need to defend it. It’s too humid to even try.
In the sauna, all are humbled and equal before the shvitz. You are as naked and shriveled as the next person, while some other person named Sven or Lola beats you with cascades of sweltering, wet air smelling of anise and corn mold. And you like it.
You beg for more. But you can’t get more. You have to wait an hour.
In the sauna, no one cares who you are, where you come from, or what you believe. You are united as a community of shvitzers, completely unfazed shuffling about outside in little more than flip-flops and a towel in below-freezing temperatures.
With that much steam wafting off your head, as you alternate between the dry heat of the sauna and the frigid dunk of the ice bath — struggling to push fluids in faster than you sweat them out — you attain a level of acute consciousness that strips you of your quotidian banalities. As your ego breaks down, your political positions do, too.
The sauna is one of the few places where Anglo-Saxon supremacy fizzles; the WASPs might boldly take over India, but they flee in the face of corporal immodesty. The Slavs, the Persians, the Arabs, the Turks, the great cultures of eastern Asia and beyond — the sauna is for you.
In the sauna, there is no moral space for racism, sexism, and xenophobia. The sauna does not care about your pedestrian neuroses. Your self-righteous expectations will not be entertained. We might fall under “wellness,” but your self-care cult has no place here. You will speak softly, if at all, and keep your hands to yourself. You might not respect yourself, but you will respect the sauna.
The Sauna party welcomes all — as long as you put a towel down on the wood. So, join us. We are the only party promising little more than a very nice bath. And maybe a salt rub.