Presented by Mastercard
Introducing the Joseph R. Biden Jr. Presidential Library.
Following several gaffe-free months, former president and Wizard of Oz Tin Man impersonator Joe Biden was spotted recently in broad daylight. Before an audience of his peers, he expressed displeasure with how passionately his successor has taken to their natural ends the continuous expansion of executive authority and nurturing of corporate greed of his and his predecessor’s White House tenures.
The appearance was also an ideal time to further speculate about the most important decision of any post-presidential career, other than striking Netflix deals and similar lucrative arrangements that convert the power of commanding 3,700 nuclear warheads into cultural capital.
That is, the presidential library.
Sources close to the project tell The Bupkes that though locations for the library are still being scouted around the country, it will be incorporated as an LLC in Biden’s home state of Delaware. The full legal entity will be called the Joseph R. Biden Jr. Presidential Library Brought to You by Mastercard.
SEC filings reveal the credit card industry will take a 49.9% stake in Biden Book Club & Associates, the library’s holding company. The remaining 50.1% of shares will be divided between a banking industry group and working-class nostalgia. An Amtrak conductor will be appointed chairman of the board of trustees.
Initial building plans show a sprawling complex incorporating several areas. Among them are the Three’s the Charm Wing, the Gallery of Maximalist Foreign Policy Objectives & Minimalist Strategy, the Build Back Better Atrium, the Genocide Joe Juice Bar & Cafe, an entire floor in the shape of South Carolina, the Democracy vs. Autocracy Rotunda, the Joe Manchin Hall of Mirrors, and the Pavilion of Awkward Pardons. There are also plans for an abortions-for-Catholics gift shop.
Sources have said that, given the early stage of development, these plans are subject to change. Not part of any blueprint yet, but reportedly under discussion, is space for an art installation tentatively titled “One Term to Oblivion.” Early sketches suggest its centerpiece will be a moving walkway sloping gently downwards to an edge that falls off into a Dumpster fire.
A Bernie Sanders Ideas Annex has already been nixed.