EXTRA, EXTRA: Assad falls, Germany is free

Chaos theory at work.

HERZ, Schlandistan – In a shocking and sudden turn of events, nearly one million Syrians packed up their bags overnight and got the fuck outta dodge. With reports coming in that terrorists freedom fighters Islamists rebels had — slowly, then all at once — toppled the heinous regime of barrel-bomb-dropper and Obama-red-line-crosser Bashar al-Assad they once fled, every single Syrian in Schlandistan simultaneously came to the same conclusion:

Why are we still here?

In scenes reminiscent of a decade ago, only in reverse, authorities at every airport, bus stop, and train station in the country have reported masses of people rushing for the exits, as it dawned on them that they do not have to put up with this anymore.

“Why would we stay in this shithole country?” Muhammad, who declined to give his last name, told The Bupkes. “I have a PhD in advanced nano gravitational engineering, but all they let me do here is sell baklava.”

"We were all going to be deported, anyway,” he added in a you-can’t…